she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
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We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The Olympian is in my bed
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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