also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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