your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
