im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
