so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
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I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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