what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
