i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
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I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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