I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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