so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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