i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
