Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck

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(773): View more from Illinois

She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".

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(802): View more from Vermont

Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.

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(+35): View more from

i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.

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(+61): View more from Australia

For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays

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(309): View more from Illinois

Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself

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(630): View more from Illinois

You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five

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(775): View more from Nevada

So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.

(775): View more from Nevada

I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."

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