Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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