Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
