Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
