tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Two words: nipple clamps
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