seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
