your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
