I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
