I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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