3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
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It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
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If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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