She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
