you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
