So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
