How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
