We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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