ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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