I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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