tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
