o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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