I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
