her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
