i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
