even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
