Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
