You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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