I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
