just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
