I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
