I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
