In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
