im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
