I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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