i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
