you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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