I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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