Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
