1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
