I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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