Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
