I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
