Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
