dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
