so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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