Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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