you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
