Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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