he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
