Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
