Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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