I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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