We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
